Now that we’re seemingly fully entrenched into the new year, it’s time to set a few things straight, to re-adjust some things that have gone all akimbo, gotten out of sorts or off kilter, whatever a kilter is. I don’t remember seeing one of late, especially on my morning drive to work, but it must exist because there are now so many things that have gotten off of it. So many so that it’s becoming more and more difficult to take people seriously based on the use of their very own language.
I remember, and you, being the exceptionally brilliant people that you are probably do also, way back in the 20th century hearing radio and television commercials for some kind of program, probably software, that promised to increase your vocabulary and improve your knowledge of word usage to such a degree that people around you would be astonished at your intellectual grandeur. Or, something like that.
The tag line was always, “People judge you by the words you use.” This, I think, was to induce a sufficient amount of guilt in you so that you would realize your deficiency and immediately purchase said product that was guaranteed to teach you how to speak and write better. Yeah, right.
I mean, sorry, but you didn’t pay attention in high school or college English classes so, what makes you think you’d stick with any self-help, study-at-home, software program? But, I suspect some people sent in the requisite $29.95, or whatever it was, and are now reaping the benefits of that advanced education. Or, more than likely, said program is safely tucked away in a cardboard box with all their other detritus in the garage or local land fill.
But, be that as it may, their tag line is still true, at least to those of us who know the rules. The rest of you couldn’t care less or, as the hoi polloi like to say, could care less. <Insert Bart Simpson shudder here.> I, we, those of us who actually care about the words we use in order to convey meaning (i.e., communicate), do judge you by the words you (mis)use. Especially those of you who work in the media (e.g., radio, television, newspapers, web, magazines) but including all you business people (analysts, managers, trainers, writers) and especially the Marketing folks (copywriters). You should know better. But, alas, apparently you do not.
And what is most disheartening is the fact that you really don’t seem to care. You’ve been surrounded by such a gaggle of incompetent but arrogant offenders for so long you think that since there are so many “saying it that way” it must be right. So as to not seem out of step with the in-crowd you so want to impress, you blithely adopt their mispronunciations with glee hoping you, too, will be endeared to the power brokers who will welcome you into the fold because of your lockstep adoration and conformity. Please, give me a break.
You know, an occasional flub is understandable. But, the constant and consistent misuse of the simple rules of grammar and word use by writers and reporters who should be the public standard-bearers makes me think y’all must be as dumb as a sack of rocks. Just goes to show you that you don’t really have to know what you’re doing to get a job in any communication arena.
Anyway, that being said, here are some of your more egregious errors. These are the words you are using incorrectly that are the equivalent of fingernails scratching on a blackboard to the rest of us. Here they are in no particular or significant order. Learn them. Live them. Use them. And, remember, we’re listening. You’re welcome.
| processes | Not processeeze. The plural of process is processes (pros-es-is not proc-es-eeze). Managers are the worst at mispronouncing this. Stop it. You sound stupid and no one has the guts to correct you. |
| recurring | Not reoccurring. Yes, something occurs again but it’s not reoccurring, it’s recurring. |
| amount vs. number | Why is this so hard? “There are a large number of deer in the forest.” “The amount of snow piling up is hazardous.” Number= count, amount = quantity of the whole. |
| less vs. fewer | Old dilemma. Target learned it. Wal-Mart didn’t. There is a difference. “10 items or fewer.” “We’re seeing fewer movies at the theater this year.” “We’re spending less money eating out, too.” |
| i.e., vs. e.g., | First, it is always written either i.e., or e.g., with the comma: i period e period comma or e period g period comma. i.e., means in other words. “Hospitals (i.e., medical treatment facilities) offer different levels of care.” “Hospitals (e.g., St. Edwards, Baylor, May Clinic) offer different types of treatments. Think of i.e., as “in other words” and e.g., as “for eggsample”. (Sorry.) |
| its vs. it’s | The apostrophe is a contraction for “it is”. “It’s time to go.” “The dog buried its bone.” Its without the apostrophe shows ownership. |
| who vs. that | Here’s the rule: You refer to people as “who” and non-people at “that”. “The girl who ran the fastest won the race.” The horse that ran the fastest won the race.” People are who, things are that. |
| than vs. then | Than relates to a comparison. Then relates to time. “I like oranges more than apples.” “Everyone makes a mistake now and then.” |
| impact vs. affect vs. effect | This mistake has so permeated the language to the point where it’s probably not fixable. Since you could never remember the difference between affect and effect, you adopted the hyper-substitution impact. Shame on you. If there is no physical contact then don’t use impact. “Her decision will affect the entire department.” “What will be the effect of her decision?” “When the truck hit the brick wall, the impact was very loud.” |
| communication | There is no such word as communications. Communication is like deer and shrimp. It is both singular and plural. You added the s because years ago you couldn’t hear (didn’t discern) the tiny pause when people talked about communication systems. You heard communications systems. The more people used it incorrectly, the more mainstream it became because, you’ll remember, you wanted to sound just as smart as the in-crowd. You have a communication process or type of communication but you cannot have communications. E-mail (notice the hyphen!) is a type of communication. E-mail, IM, and the phone are products used to facilitate or convey or conduct communication. Accept it and move on. |
| irregardless | I can’t believe people still say this. There is no such word! Stop it. It’s a miscombination of regardless and irrelevant. Just stop it. And stop giving us that “look” whenever we correct you. You’re an adult and should know better by now. |
| bring vs. take | This seems to be a generational thing that has appeared only in the past 10-15 years since, apparently, English teachers quit doing their jobs. Think of it this way: bring/with, take/away. “I’ll bring the notebook with me.” “I’ll take the notebook to the teacher.” |
| by vs. on accident | Again, this seems to be generational. We old folks know the difference. Apparently, y’all just don’t get it. Nothing can happen “on” accident. I know, you’re really saying “on account of an…” and that’s okay if you say it that way. But, you don’t. So, stop it. Things happen “by” accident, not “on” accident. |
| use vs. utilize | This is the most blatant attempt to sound important on the planet. The word you want 99% of the time is use. “I use my spoon to eat soup.” “I utilized a spoon to dig out of prison.” Utilize is to adapt something’s purpose(its utility) differently. |
| which vs. that | Which is a choice between two or more things. “I need to decide which dress to wear.” That is the thing itself. “I’ll wear that tied tonight.” Stop saying stupid stuff like, “He went to the store which was across from the apartment.” Say correctly, “He went to the store that was across from the apartment.” |
| press, depress | If you’re talking about a computer program then none of these words are physically possible. You can only click, doubl-click, select, check, etc., but you cannot press or depress anything on a screen. |
| hit | Likewise, didn’t your mother ever tell you it was not polite to hit anyone or anything? Well, she should have. You don’t hit keys, you press then. If you want to depress them, then yell at them. That should hurt their feelings sufficiently. |
| insure vs. ensure | Government documents see to be rife with this mistake. Insure is what companies like Allstate do. Enusre is something people do. “I will insure my car with State Farm.” “I will ensure my family is protected.” |
| hello | When we pass each other in the hallway and I say “hello”, would it kill you to look up and say “hi” back rather than ignore me or just give me one of those half-hearted eyebrow lifts? Or, worse, just stare at me like I just told you your nose is green? No, you’re not too busy to respond and if you think you are then you’re way too absorbed in your own awesomness and you need to come out of your shell. We’re all people, we all work together, we all need each other, and the sooner we start treating each other with more simple kindness, respect, courtesy, the sooner we’ll realize that this really is a great place to work and these really are some of the best people in my life and work really can be fun if we check our egos at the front door and help each other do what needs to be done. Yeah, I know, it’s not a grammar or word thing. It’s just a…thing we need to do. |